Psalm 14

3 All have turned aside
they have together become corrupt,
there is no one who does good,
not even one.

What I find challenging about this verse is the idea of collective corruption, communal corruption. Not only evil within individuals, but among them: our individual fears, insecurities, and wounds bleed out and hurt the people around us.

We have a planet filled with broken people that inevitably create broken systems, only egging each other on in selfishness and destruction.

I don't want to acknowledge that my individual refusal to care for "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40) contributes to a global disparity between the rich and the poor.
I don't want to see that my individual dishonesty in relationships is the same strain of dishonesty in hedge-fund economic practices.
I don't want to admit that my individual passivity towards sex trafficking results in even more women, girls, and boys being brutalized.

And this is what I love about God, that he offers not only individual healing, but communal restoration as well.

He is just that big.

Psalm 13

1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

The psalmist presently questions the existence and power and love of God. He questions whether God will do what he says he will do: heal, strengthen, restore, save.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing the LORD's praise,

for he has been good to me.

At this time, he turns to what God has done for him in the past. Remembering God's provision and goodness in the past to bring clarity and certainty to the present.

And this time, that is enough.

Psalm 12

6 And the words of the LORD are flawless,
like silver refined in a furnace of clay,
purified seven times.

I often feel cheesy when thinking about the promises of God. I perceive them to be slogans we print on mugs and Christian t shirts rather than beautiful and rare and pure and eternal. Flawless. They are perfect and absolute truths. There are no conditions or loopholes or strings attached. They bring life and restoration our lives and our world screams for.

Words like Zephaniah 3:17:
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

What words of God are bringing you life?

Psalm 11

3 When the foundations are being destroyed,

what can the righteous do?

4 The LORD is in his holy temple;

the LORD is on his heavenly throne.

He observes everyone on earth;

hi eyes examine them.

Lately, I have felt like my foundation of self-reliance and self-protection have been taken away.

I've been nervous, inarticulately moody, and sullen, unable to explain how or why I felt ravaged by guilt, fear, and anxiety.

I felt shaken, without a foundation.

After his rhetorical question, the psalmist assert what the foundation-less can do: know that the LORD is in his holy temple, on his heavenly throne. How frustrating is that?! The man without a foundation can do nothing but know. Know and trust that God is set apart by His goodness + justice + purity + mercy + power.

That "upright men will see his face" rather than illusions of self-importance and security.

Psalm 10

In his pride the wicked does not seek [the LORD];

in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

5 His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and

you laws are far from him;

he sneers at all his enemies.

6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;

I'll always be happy and never have trouble."

The psalmist continues to describe the wicked and how they oppress others. I identify most* with this man's pride, with a religious twist. I settle for what I already have: my faith in God. I don't seek out more of God. I don't yearn to be challenged or encounter God in new ways. I think that my relationship with God is all it'll ever be, as opposed to relationship that will continue to deepen and grow in beauty and intimacy as it ages. I assume God is finite and that I covered all the bases; I've got my theology down pat and I've already been transformed by God.

My narrow view of God and my complacency crowd out any room for God. Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble.

*I am starting to see how I relate to this "wicked Psalm 10" man in other ways. He's not a cartoon villain twirling an outrageously curly mustache. He stalks victims in ambush: how often do I wait for people to make mistakes and sin just to silently judge them? He murders the innocent: Is it murder if I'd rather spend 20 dollars on a new shirt I don't need than on helping someone have clean water for 20 years?

Psalm 9

5 You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;

you have blotted out their name forever and ever.

6 Endless ruin has overtaken the enemy,

you have uprooted their cities;

even the memory of them has perished.

I feel fake when praising God for his destruction and wrath because it terrifies me thinking of my Father act this way.

This enraged, violent God.

The only analogy I can think of that doesn't make me cringe is the thought of a child being kidnapped and sold into slavery, sex trafficked, and his or her Father doing whatever it takes to rescue His child. I am glad that God is enraged by injustice and oppression and slavery, enraged enough to do something about it and save us.

I once heard this prayer something to the effect of, "Let us love you and other people, and hate nothing but sin itself." I really like it because I don't have a hatred for sin right now. Not yet, but I'm starting to see why we need it.

Psalm 8

verses 3 & 4:

"When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him,

the son of man that you care for him?"

It is absolutely preposterous that God would care for humans - mortals comprised of decaying flesh and brittle bones, unable to truly heal themselves or truly heal each other.

I'm glad that they author finds it crazy absurd, and though he isn't able to articulate an explanation as to why God would care for humans, he praises God for who He is and He's done: "O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!" (verses 1 & 9)

Psalm 7

There is one line in particular I find striking: "Awake, my God; decree justice."

I see this as a plea. A plea as the author looks around at the devastation and brokenness and helplessness and vicious cycles that engulf him. Overwhelm him. He sees God as absent. Asleep. Oblivious. Ignorant. Indifferent.

And yet he knows his God and knows that He is a righteous God and a righteous judge and will "layeth the smacketh down" (credit: friend).

But "decree justice?"

That is so much more than busting out guns and killing the bad guys. Decreeing justice requires complete structural renovation and public renewal. There is order and purpose that comes from authority and wisdom and fairness. Justice is so much more than the absence of conflict. We so desperately need a righteous judge.

Psalm 6

This is probably one of my favorite Psalms because of its honesty.

This is probably one of the most unsettling Psalms because of its honesty.

"bones in agony"

"soul is in anguish"

"worn out from groaning"

"i flood my bed with weeping"

"drench my couch with tears"

"eyes grow weak with sorrow"

I'm not sure what had occurred to provoke the writing of this Psalm, but it sounds long and messy and hard. All he does is describes the state he is in. There's no explanation for how or why he's there. He doesn't even acknowledge that the LORD has done anything to rescue him or comfort him yet, but the LORD has done 3 things:

1. "heard my weeping"

2. "heard my cry for mercy"

3. "accepts my prayer"

The LORD seems incredibly passive and removed and powerless while the Psalmist implodes.

I am so grateful that David, the man after God's heart, the man from which the Savior of the world would descend from, reconciling God to us, us to each other, and us to the earth, felt this way too on at least one occasion.

Psalm 5

⁵ The arrogant cannot stand in your presence;
you hate all who do wrong.

⁶ You destroy those who tell lies;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
the LORD abhors.

⁷ But I, by your great mercy,
will come into your house;
in reverence will I bow down
toward your holy temple.

I think of myself as an arrogant person. See, even typing that I feel arrogant. It's because I think about myself alot. And I also think about thinking about myself alot, and I think self-awareness is healthy and good, but self-centeredness and self-obsession is goofy and ridiculous and terrible and easy. I will do anything I can to convince you that I like you because I want you to think that I like you and am a good person.

This is so not who I want to be.

A friend and I were talking about how I am a "like me" person. "Like me, please" is my subtle cry. As I try to follow Jesus, I pray that by his grace and power, he will transform me into a "Because of Jesus, I love you" person.

I'm also a lying person. I don't come up with elaborate lies - I'm not clever enough. Recently, I've let white lies slip into my relationship with my boyfriend, and I confess them to him because I don't want even a hint of deceit in our relationship. He and what we have are too good to chip away at in my misguided attempts at "saying the right thing" rather than showing love by trusting and being honest. I don't want a facade of political-correctness; I want a mess of loving authenticity.

Thank you God, for your mercies which endure in spite of my arrogance and lies. Mercy trumps my mess. Awesome.

Psalm 4

⁶ Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

It is ridiculously hard to believe that there is Good in the world. People often say, "Just look at the newspaper headlines." What scares me even more is when the layers of a single headline are peeled away.

24 September 2010 11:52 ET

BBC News

DR Congo Rapes 'Defy Belief,' says UN

How are the victims doing?

What drives someone to violate another person?

What does the rapist think before falling asleep at night?

How are the aid workers doing?

When did the need for the UN arise?

How is this news relayed to the rest of the world?

Why is apathy so comfortable?

How are the journalists doing?

Why is there a lack of justice?

When did sex become a weapon of war?

How does healing happen?

God.

Is there any good?

Please give me the eyes to see the light of your face shine upon us.

Psalm 3

In this Psalm, "Selah" is introduced.

Selah is a liturgical/musical instruction to the effect of "stop and listen" or "let those with eyes see and those with ears hear."

⁴ To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah

That one caught my attention in particular because I began to think of all those times we cry aloud to God and don't get answers.

What are we listening for then?

What are we missing now by not stopping and listening?

Psalm 2

I've decided to go through a Psalm a day and post my thoughts. Today's psalm isn't connecting with my brain. As a whole, I don't really understand it because it mentions kings and kingdoms and rulers, and I don't have any experience with them.

And then I started thinking about God's Kingdom, and how I can just think about it and gush about it and be captivated by it and desire to be a part of it and throw out hot buzz words like

revolutionary

relevant

social justice

forgiveness

missional

transformational

counter-cultural

sacrificial

reconciliation

And I can't help but think that sometimes, seeing God's Kingdom gets in the way of me seeing God.

I love looking at things my friends have created: poetry, crafts, blogs, music, photos, events, scrapbooks. Seeing what they have made shows me more of who they are and what they love and are about and want to see more of in the world. It makes me do a double-take at its creator; it points to them and their heart and that is a beautiful thing.

I want to view God's Kingdom in the same way.

I want to know the Creator and His Beauty more fully because of what I have seen.

The Kingdom is merely a taste of who God is, and that is awesome.

Psalm 1

¹ Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

i like how the psalmist first lists all these verbs: walk, stand, sit, and then in the next verse is meditate. to me, it is distinct from the other actions, and seems to transcend day to day movement; it is the source of daily activity. i also am trying to learn about what meditation actually is. i like to think that its like chewing on scripture all day and night. that changes the way i view the bible because it cant just be something i do at the start of the day and then close the cover. it lingers and teases and i hope that it steeps in my brain and in my soul. reading the bible cannot just be passive to me or else it feels like a chore. for the man the psalmist writes about, the law of the Lord seems to be the source and sustainer of his life. thats INTENSE. since when have i viewed nahum that way? or even "Love the Lord your God and your neighbor" that way?

Snail Mail + Bono

My desk is littered with envelopes and stamps and addresses of friends who are too far away to hug. And everyone loves letters.

I was born,

I was born to sing for you.

I didn't have a choice but to lift you up,

And sing whatever song you wanted me to.

I give you back my voice from the womb

My first cry, it was a joyful noise.

"Magnificient" - U2

So the combination of loved ones + uplifting music is really working right now.

"Together We Will Live Forever" by Clint Mansell

I'm not a music person.

I like Justin Bieber and I like singing the chorus to "Horchata" by Vampire Weekend to give the appearance of good taste.

I don't know why; music just never stuck with me the way words do.

But this one,

this one haunts me.

It's so mournful and full of yearning.

The fragility of it is terrifying.

The way the melody runs hand in hand with silence is eerie, yet warm.

It sounds like a song that would be played at the funeral of a beautiful person.

The song is wisps of his or her life, the ethereal entwined with sadness.

The song restores me.

MBT #15: Stars in Pennslyvania

At first I thought that the best part of the road trip was when Kaylyn and I convinced Josh to sing along to "Wonderwall" because I have never heard him sing even though other people tell me he is phenomenal and he probably is and should let us hear him more often.

But sorry, Josh.

The stars in Pennsylvania didn't really have adjectives. I didn't even realize that the stars here were fuzzy blips compared to what they could truly look like. It wasn't until I saw the awesomeness of them in an untainted sky that it hit me how I had mistaken the mediocre for the magnificent, the fake for the authentic. And I still love the sky here. I still think the stars are beautiful, I still think it's incredible how I can make out the dark areas on the moon from here, I still think that the light pollution is eerily pretty. But it's just that whenever I look up now, I can't help but think of what I've seen.

Humor them:
allow the grandeur of the stars
to unsettle You
shrink You
humble You so that You stand
as the speck you are
no spark of blazing plasma
within You
unable to provide light
for Yourself,
let alone anyone else.
Allow the sprawled constellations
fallen star
weary night plains
inspire You
rob You of your breath
with its hemisphere
stratosphere
atmosphere
a reminder so that You never forget
that You are vastly outnumbered
as You stand among the dust of the earth
that cries for water
You are unable to give

And so You sit

And wait

I think I'm gonna need to go back again and just sit. And wait.

MBT #14: Hunger

I don't care much for statistics.
I'm too cynical (73% of them are made up) and too desensitized, especially when they're about people dying.
I hate confronting statistics about people dying because I am completely numb and helpless, and then I get upset at myself for not caring and being complacent or offering a ho-hum, "Man, that sucks, doesn't it?"
Even worse is when I am confronted with a statistic of people dying with a superimposed picture of a young child because I know that face is more than a statistic, but I can't really feel anything. I don't feel a connection; I'm not compassionate enough, I don't desire to "suffer with" people I don't know and will never meet and more often than not, write off as people I can't help.

So I was unmoved again, when I came across this statistic:
Every 3 seconds, a child dies because he or she was hungry.

Just typing that, I feel nothing.

But I'm not satisfied moving on from that.
I'm not ok moving on with my day knowing that in the span of typing this post hundreds of people have died as I much on my nighttime snack.
I'm not ok with living as if I didn't read that.
I want it to unsettle me, to break my heart. Atleast I think I do.

I started thinking of what this would look like in my life, and with a little calculator action, these are the results:

• the population at my state university would be dead in a little over 8 hours
  
• people at my church would die in 50 minutes
• every single one of my facebook friends would die in 26 minutes
  
• my campus fellowship group would die in 3 minutes
• my twenty closest friends would die in a single minute
• my family would be dead in 12 seconds

Consider me unsettled.
Punch in your own numbers.
Be uncomfortable.